Electronic Revival of Old Friends- A Dialogue

The Electronic Revival of Old Friends
accidentally stumbled across remembrance via Myspace.com....

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: j
To: kd
Date: Jan 18, 2005 11:21 PM
Subject: there you are...

ha! i found you. i'm on here as an individual and as a corporate art identity. i hope you haven't gone back to new york yet. i miss you, call me sometime.

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To: j
From: kd
Date: Jan 19, 2005 06:07 AM
Subject: RE: there you are...

you.

upon receiving your message, i was curious who the fuck was messaging me on myspace. I figured it was another band trying to promote their mediocre music, or some random fan trying to "connect." so, i ventured into the discovery of this online identity which I assume I did not actually know in reality.... in the tangible, waking world.

your profile does not state your name, or any real basic facts of your existence, such as eye color, hair information, etc. yet, by a simply glance of just one artistically inclined photo (i'm assuming of yourself) i knew without a doubt, it was you. it was in fact a very tangible, real human being who I have shared many conversations with, and seen in both northern and southern states of this country. and perhaps missed in between all of the many points and persuasions of our respective interests and obligations along the way.

so while i'm feeling verbal....you are a good human being. and from now on, if your asinine ass calls me to see me, and then doesn't call me back again on an evening where you originally scheduled to see me....and I had scheduled my life around doing so.... if you don't call me back, and then leave the city in which you said you planned to see me.... I'm not ever calling you again. your soul is too sweet and wholesome for you to be a flake, an arrogant flake at that. and my head would be to frustrated. don't get ahead of yourself.... you are a good one.

i remember two years ago. right before i left for new york, for the new land of uncertainty and completely unfamiliar grounds. you and i spent some time together, you were long welcomed company, to this long solitary heart. and i met you just in time, as i was leaving this all behind. what a shot to the foot. as things always seem to be, i suppose. but i remember whiskey and bon fires, conversation, dancing hippies, talk of first loves, and children, and what better people we would one day become. you were quite a pure, good soul, despite your constant engulfment in school and all around you, all the things of the day you busied yourself up with. and I remember a feather and waking up in a bed, in a one bedroom apartment where the living room was actually the bed room. actually the truer room of living. where i fell to sleep, comfortable and warm. and all wrapped up. in arms and it all. i was a nomad on the run, and in the morning i no longer wanted to run. but the plans were already in action, and my chariot was waiting for me to take the reins. it was time for me to go then. i couldn't take back my previously scheduled escape... planned long before i felt that maybe i didn't need to escape anymore. that morning.

funny how all circumstances morph into their newer incantations, and it's so far gone to think of the original nature of interactions... once time and distance has distilled them into silly long-shot dreams. but they are not dreams, for they happened, and will always be privileged pieces of memory. of truth. of peace. and maybe flutters of human connection of a greater kind. in whatever capacity they were meant to last. i remember you. and i remember every moment.

so I guess I'm saying, don't think I forgot all that. because right now, at 7:39 in the morning, after finishing off a very important first record, after falling in and out of love, after feeling lost, after feeling alone, after feeling saved and then broken again, after uprooting to the opposite half of this country, after sojourning all around the many places i have been called to go, I am remembering these precious things from what seems like ages ago. the things which I always know, but brush off in mundane interactions with intents of being nonchalant of such a brilliant history. but you and i both know the beauties of this all. don't we?

so next time you are in nyc, or i am in baton rouge....don't be all self involved. you're too good for that. music is just music. it's an extension of the greater things. career is only a career. it's not something of existence in itself, it's just a part of the day. in the end, it's just music, it's just goals, it's just imposed successes that are fulfilling but hold no life of their own. but real life, these kindred hearts beating, will always be in rotation.... at your doorstep, and at the pulse of your fingertips.

hello.

glad you wrote me.

i am in baton rouge for just a few more days. and I guess we should get together soon then, eh? call me, ok? (917-xxx-xxxx) hope you're smiling.

xo
kd

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From: j
To: kd
Date: Jan 19, 2005 09:37 AM
Subject: this is me

thank you for that- those were things i needed to know wrapped in a pretty package. despite how i may come off at first glance, i am naturally very insecure and in fact tormented when it comes to the subject of love. the combination of the fear of hell as a consequence of sex when i was a child, enough heartbreak for two lifetimes, and the analytical process that follows everything that happens has brought me to a point where i am constantly struggling to see what is right in front of me.
you have such a beautiful way of looking at life, one i have tried for a long time to see (i think i'm getting better at it). i think you truly see the moment for what it is and you are able to move on without having to distract yourself from it. your life is a heterarchy, not a hierarchy- an ever-changing dynamic path of history and not a prioritized order of goals.
you touched on something with the preoccupation with school, plans, art, etc. i immerse myself in these things because this is something i intrinsically have to do as a man on earth. but please, do not for an instant think that the reason i flake out on you is that i'm busy or preoccupied.
the reason i have a history of doing this is because i am very confused about the way i feel about you and have a hard time gaguing the way you feel about me. when i see you my heart races and i get nervous (this doesn't really happen with anyone else) but i feel at ease in a way that's contradictory to the other reactions. i've always been wary of really opening up to you because we are so geographically challenged, and i have often doubted weather you have similar, if not reciprocal feelings for me.
it seems that we have the same false notions of each other; when i call you to meet up, you are usually already planning to meet with other people- when you invite me out, it always seems as casual as possible, and i infer that you're busy or you have more important people to see. the other thing is that when i see you, i don't want anyone else around because i'm nervous enough as it is and frankly, i want you all to myself. this is no excuse, and if i had the resolve i would jump to every opportunity i had to be with you, weather alone in your room or surrounded by your adoring fans.
i'm telling you all this in hopes that you will understand me a little better. i am inexpressibly grateful to even know you, and i am awestruck that i have been able with you in such a meaningful and intimate way. i think about you more than you know, and i wished you were here when i woke up this morning.

in all honesty- j

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From: j
To: kd
Date: Jan 19, 2005 09:41 AM
Subject: friday

i don't know if i told you how much that message meant to me. you melted my heart just now.
i'll be in town on friday to meet with clients. i'll call you.


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To: j
From: kd
Date: Jan 19, 2005 03:06 PM
Subject: RE: this is me

hi again.

thanks for your well articulated response. it is good to know all of those things. makes our interactions much more lucid.

i could tell of your torment in love, intimacy in particular. i've seen how you shy away. but i wouldn't hold that against you. we're all pretty damaged in that way, though we all have our particular afflictions from previous experience, deeply burned precedents. i feel like most of the good hearts i know, the very few, all shy away from illuminating themselves, making themselves too apparent....myself included. it's a dangerous prospect. but lonely, enclosed hearts are only halfway beating. and to always go about like that would be a shame. we'd miss half the wonder of the world. we try, how we do try.

maybe it's just been an emotional month, or thinking upon thinking has taken over my outputs, but i figure it's about time to stop bullshitting the precious few people who are very very special to me. and by bullshitting, i just mean pretending to be less connected than we actually are. i'm tired of being afraid of our conditions. i'd love to hold on to all of life's glories just as much as any one else, to build something that doesn't change, doesn't leave, doesn't disappoint and make you lose your faith in the prospect of anything being permanent. but the very nature of life is impermanent. and i've decided to embrace this truth, and enjoy the cyclical nature of things, rather than beating myself up over what's right in front of me (or what is not). it's like flying, nothing to hold on it, but all the world at your possibility. and all the love you locked up to save yourself no longer has any place to be locked. so you let it go. you give it out, as you should have long ago. and you let everyone know. cause you can't deny the truth of these things. it's pretty liberating.

i'm not really concerned with the classification of our relationship, you know? i think love (in general) is freer and truer when you don't have to explain it or enclose it within some definitive terms. i'm in no place right now to try to start a romantic commitment, as much as i wish for it, i know i have some experience to go through before embarking upon another one. that being so, i've come to a place of trying to simply be as open, honest, and free with love as possible with those around me who are dear. it's very possible that perhaps we are meant to know each other in a more dedicated capacity. and it's also possible that route isn't meant for us. i'm not the one to say. i've tried to stop attempting to read my own fortune, because i'm not a palm reader or prophet. i'm just alive, here, now. so i embellish on that. on what i know.

and i know that i think you're wonderful. your energy and mind have been blessings to me, in many ways. i appreciate your existence and enthusiasm with all around you, that you don't waste time, that you're a creator, that you're following what calls and compels you. watching you live in such a
way helps me keep living in such a way. and all of this is good enough for me. i'm happy with that.... i don't want to dilute all the ways we enjoy each other's company by worrying over the circumstantial places in time.

don't worry if you feel flustered by my company, i'm not one to ever abuse such privileged relationships. not that i won't fuck up or perhaps make mistakes, but i'm not here to break you. i'm just here to experience, find truths, and share it all with the ones who understand. same as you. i don't want you to feel uneasy around me.

and i am sorry if i've come across as placing other commitments above you. i think we probably just fell into a weird cycle of confusion, me feeling you were always putting me off, and i inadvertently did the same just as instinctive reaction, and there we went, back and forth, perpetually. i'll make a point not to fall into that again. ok?

hope to see you friday. call me before hand if you get a chance and we'll make plans (in advance). :)

k

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From: j
To: kd
Date: Jan 19, 2005 04:53 PM
Subject: the verge

maybe i haven't had enough written messages from you to infer this before, but you have an exceptional handle on writing prose. your words form a cohesive whole that expresses what you mean masterfully.
that being said, i think your respose was the most appropriate and uplifting i could have gotten. i was a little worried today that i had opened up too much and freaked you out or something- there go those insecurities again. but i'm sure now that we are on exactly the same page. labels and boudries at this moment seem to only inhibit the possibilities of being part of this state of inter-being. i think commitment can be a beautiful thing, i've seen it before, and what i've seen is that the only way it exists as it should is when the members of the relationship are still individuals with their own desires, beliefs and missions; it's really absurd to rely on another human being for your own solace and sense of being.
by the way, i won't feel anxious around you on friday, at least not in the same way. now i think we know where we stand with eachother.
have you noticed that every time we start to open up and be really honest with eachother it's on the verge of a long-term separation? whatever this means i'ts intriguing to me.
you inspire me in more ways than i've ever told you. you are one of the only people on this planet that is truly beautiful.

i'll call tonight. xoxo

Hours Move Slowly

01/16/05 1:08 AM


The hours move slowly when you are waiting for something. Times escapes all definitive confines and you find yourself moving much slower toward nothing at all. The divide between past and present no longer exists, and you are of free form, free mind, drifting endlessly into your very own imposed state of exile. This free disaster won’t wait for a more appropriate time, for an appointed place, because it never had one to begin with. You just tried to make yourself think it did. So, here you are, in the heartbeat slowly palpitating, as you listen, while trying hard not to listen. Comfort does not know of this place, and hope would only be a transitory stranger who accidentally rested his head on your doorstep due to lack of better options.

You pause. Take note of surrounding conditions, and quickly consume your hands or lips with something of interest. A lover, a guitar, a pen, a piece of literature, a song, a pat on your puppy’s head. It doesn’t matter. Anything to bring you back to some other thing’s vision of reality, rather than being lost solely within your own. You write your proverbial ransom note, to yourself. You create the existential, spiritual, transcendental works of the solitary mind. A plea for redemption in a world that you must share, and learn to give and take part in. A reckoning of intent to all in the world that has been imposed upon you, yet has given you the breath beneath your otherwise jaundice, lukewarm skin.

And perhaps reality can only be defined as a place where one person can meet others. The solitary mind has little use for reality and the luxuries reality may afford such eternally single souls. But it is our perception of our collective selves within the paradigm of this plane of reality we find each other within, that often keeps us tied to such measures as time, dates, and moralities. By your existence and my undeniable need for you and others, we are drawn down by the gravity of other’s minds, words, and emotive executions. And we meet here, on our glorious concrete bound earth. But what do we have to say to one another? Should we perhaps just retreat back to our personally designated wavelengths and stay there? Avoid the confusion of body language and misinterpreted interactions. Avoid this whole thing completely, and live a little bit more peacefully, knowing at the very least, the solitary self. Or would we ever truly know that without the contrasting bodies to challenge it and give it its nutrition for further fruition?

And as dark as I have seen the souls around me, far beyond these transitory states and inconsequential incongruencies of perception, I can’t help but be cradled and rocked to sleep by the immortal prospect of the beauty that may be to come. Somehow the ghostly prospect of that alone, with no promise or certainty, can keep the futile heart running for infinities. Faith. Hope. Progress. Potential. The potential to one day, redeem all of these moments of absolute lack of willpower, control, understanding, into riches of wisdom beyond what your currently feeble mind can fathom.

We have spent lifetimes questioning why we must endure such ambivalence in love, and in personal discomfort. What are we really trying to accomplish here? When do we really make our minds up to come to a plateau that doesn’t only have plateaus stacked above it for ages?

The hardest hand to hold is often, your own. Kamikaze gifted lives, is what we have here. This is all just a test in make-up, in potentials of old souls given freshly formatted conditions of further confusing compositions. But we are here now, there’s no way around it. As hard as you try to cheat the hand you’re dealt, you know all the hands, and just what place and purpose yours holds to your trembling fingers, and only your own.

Truth is not a smooth, softly coated pill. It’s a bastardly dagger, and often every bit just as asymmetrical and horrific as it is healing and pure. The blessed can only enjoy their privileged state after long periods of terrifying vacationing within the gut of their respective curses. They don’t exist independently. For every smile you are gifted by, there was once or one day will be, a symbiotic deafening tear to compliment it.

Welcome to your life. There has never been a better time than right now.

brave new world

I have been meaning to switch over all cyber accounts of written life for some time. And due to exhaustion of the mind, this evening I spent hours, a drone, drolling at the computer screen trying to busy myself up with gaddgetry to distract from such intense creative engulfment otherwise.

This is going to be a fresh start. Maybe I'm feeling dramatic because the number on the year has changed, but I feel it's about time to break free of old skin, and push toward a new relief. I do wish to become more of a writer someday. A novel, a book of poetry, a screen play..... in what capacity of the many options, I don't know. I simply understand the necessity and creative excess I find myself in. So, this will serve as my testing grounds.

There has been a lot of redemption around me these recent weeks. It's a breath of fresh air.

I'll start all this very soon.






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